The "Funny" Page


"Elmer Fudd" says...
To which "Bugs" replies...

 

Actual 911 call
This is a hilarious "actual 911 call" about a man, a deer, his car and a big dog and a telephone booth.*WARNING*...This sound file contains "adult language".

The 1997 DARWIN AWARD... AND THE WINNER IS...
 
You all know about the Darwin Awards - It's an
annual honor given to the person who did the gene
pool the biggest service by killing/injuring
themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way.

The 1995 winner was the fellow who was killed by a
Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as
he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it.

In 1996 the winner was an air force sergeant who
attached a JATO (rocket) unit to his car and
crashed into a cliff several hundred feet above
the roadbed.

And now, the 1997 winner: Larry Waters of Los
Angeles -- one of the few Darwin winners to
survive his award-winning accomplishment. Larry's
boyhood dream was to fly. When he graduated from
high school, he joined the Air Force, in hopes of
becoming a pilot. Unfortunately, poor eyesight
disqualified him. When he was finally discharged,
he had to satisfy himself with watching jets fly
over his backyard.

One day, Larry, had a bright idea. He decided to
fly. He went to the local Army-Navy surplus store
and purchased 45 weather balloons and several
tanks of helium. The weather balloons, when fully
inflated, would measure more than four feet
across.

Back home, Larry securely strapped the balloons to
his sturdy lawn chair. He anchored the chair to
the bumper of his jeep and inflated the balloons
with the helium. He climbed on for a test while it
was still only a few feet above the ground.

Satisfied it would work, Larry packed several
sandwiches and a six-pack of Miller Lite, loaded
his pellet gun-- figuring he could pop a few
balloons when it was time to descend-- and went
back to the floating lawn chair.

He tied himself in along with his pellet gun and
provisions. Larry's plan was to lazily float up to
a height of about 30 feet above his back yard
after severing the anchor and in a few hours come
back down.

Things didn't quite work out that way. When he cut
the cord anchoring the lawn chair to his jeep, he
didn't float lazily up to 30 or so feet. Instead
he streaked into the LA sky as if shot from a
cannon. He didn't level of at 30 feet, nor did he
level off at 100 feet. After climbing and
climbing, he leveled off at 11,000 feet.

At that height he couldn't risk shooting any of
the balloons, lest he unbalance the load and
really find himself in trouble. So he stayed
there, drifting, cold and frightened, for more
than 14 hours.

Then he really got in trouble. He found himself
drifting into the the primary approach corridor of
Los Angeles International Airport. A United pilot
first spotted Larry. He radioed the tower and
described passing a guy in a lawn chair with a
gun. Radar confirmed the existence of an object
floating 11,000 feet above the airport. LAX
emergency procedures swung into full alert and a
helicopter was dispatched to investigate. LAX is
right on the ocean. Night was falling and the
offshore breeze began to flow. It carried Larry
out to sea with the helicopter in hot pursuit.
Several miles out, the helicopter caught up with
Larry. Once the crew determined that Larry was not
dangerous, they attempted to close in for a rescue
but the draft from the blades would push Larry
away whenever they neared.

Finally, the helicopter ascended to a position
several hundred feet above Larry and lowered a
rescue line. Larry snagged the line and was hauled
back to shore. The difficult maneuver was
flawlessly executed by the helicopter crew. As
soon as Larry was hauled to earth, he was arrested
by waiting members of the LAPD for violating LAX
airspace. As he was led away in handcuffs, a
reporter dispatched to cover the daring rescue
asked why he had done it. Larry stopped,turned and
replied nonchalantly, "A man can't just sit
around."

Let's hear it for Larry Waters, the 1997 Darwin
Award Winner.
 
 
1997 DARWIN NOMINEES:
 
(#1) Los Angeles, CA. Ani Saduki, 33, and his
brother decided to remove a bees nest from a shed
on their property with the aid of a pineapple. A
pineapple is an illegal firecracker which is the
explosive equivalent of one-half stick of
dynamite. They ignited the fuse and retreated to
watch from inside their home, behind a window some
10 feet away from the hive/shed. The concussion of
the explosion shattered the window inwards,
seriously lacerating Ani. Deciding Mr. Saduki need
stitches, the brothers headed out to go to a
nearby hospital. While walking towards their car,
Ian was stung three times by the surviving bees.
Unbeknownst to either brother, Ani was allergic to
bee venom, and died of suffocation en route to the
hospital.

(#2) A driver, who crashed into the side of a 3000
ton wheat train and was dragged in his car more
than a kilometer before being slammed into a pylon
at the edge of a cliff, fell to his death as he
walked for help. The Queensland, Australia man,
63, and his female companion, 64, were driving
along the Newell Highway near Moree, in
Northwestern New South Wales, on Wednesday night,
police said. Their car crashed into the side of a
fully laden, 600 meter long train at a level
crossing. (I guess that would be harder to miss
than the side of a barn!) The vehicle became
wedged between the second last and last carriages
and was dragged sideways beside the track as the
train continued towards Moree, a police
spokeswoman said. After being carried more than a
kilometer and a half they approached an unfenced
bridge with a 10 meter drop, the spokeswoman said.
Moments before they reached the precipice, the car
was struck by a pylon, dislodged from the train
and spun several times. When it came to rest, the
pair managed to free themselves from the wreck (I
wonder if it was a Volvo?) with minor bruising and
the man set off along the railway line for help.
But he slipped on the bridge and fell to his
death, the spokeswoman said. The woman was
eventually able to raise the alarm and was
recovering in Moree hospital with chest injuries.

(#3) Derrick L. Richards, 28, was charged in April
in Minneapolis with third-degree murder in the
death of his beloved cousin, Kenneth E. Richards.
According to police, Derrick suggested a game of
Russian roulette and put a semiautomatic pistol
(instead of the more traditional revolver) to
Ken's head and fired.

(#4) Phillipsburg, NJ. An unidentified 29 year old
male choked to death on a sequined pastie he had
orally removed from an exotic dancer at a local
establishment. "I didn't think he was going to eat
it," the dancer identified only as "Ginger" said,
adding "He was really drunk."

(#5) In February, according to police in Windsor,
Ont., Daniel Kolta, 27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died
in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in the
game of chicken they were playing with their
snowmobiles.
 
 
1997 DARWIN AWARD WANNABES (Non-fatalities)
Gulf Breeze, Florida, three unidentified teenage
males were using a home video camera to film an
action/adventure "movie" one of the boys had
written. In a scene that called for one character
to be ignited by fire, the "special effects
coordinator," age 15, prepared the "stunt" youth
by dousing lighter fluid onto his clothes. The
intentional fire, which proved unexpectedly
difficult to extinguish, left the young man with
third degree burns on his left arm, torso, and
both legs. It was all captured on film.

In Bradford, PA, J. Cruwe, 28, caught a small
snake in a container which he handed to his wife.
She opened the container and, startled to see the
snake, dropped it. The excited and, as it turns
out, poisonous, snake immediately bit Mr. Cruwe on
the shin. Mr Cruwe survived the wound and
recovered after a short visit to the local
emergency room.

In rural Carbon County, PA, a group of men were
drinking beer and discharging firearms from the
rear deck of a home owned by Irving Michaels, age
27. The men were firing at a raccoon that was
wandering by, but the beer apparently impaired
their aim and, despite of the estimated 35 shots
the group fired, the animal escaped into a 3 foot
diameter drainage pipe some 100 feet away from Mr.
Michaels' deck. Determined to terminate the
animal, Mr. Michaels retrieved a can of gasoline
and poured some down the pipe, intending to smoke
the animal out. After several unsuccessful
attempts to ignite the fuel, Michaels emptied the
entire 5 gallon fuel can down the pipe and tried
to ignite it again, to no avail. Not one to admit
defeat by wildlife, the determined Mr. Michaels
proceeded to slide feet-first approximately 15
feet down the sloping pipe to toss the match. The
subsequent rapidly expanding fireball propelled
Mr. Michaels back the way he had come, though at a
much higher rate of speed. He exited the angled
pipe "like a Polaris missile leaves a submarine,"
according to witness Joseph McFadden, 31. Mr.
Michaels was launched directly over his own home,
right over the heads of his astonished friends,
onto his front lawn. In all, he traveled over 200
feet through the air. "There was a Doppler Effect
to his scream as he flew over us," McFadden
reported, "Followed by a loud thud.". Amazingly,
he suffered only minor injuries. "It was actually
pretty cool," Michaels said, "Like when they shoot
someone out of a cannon at the circus. I'd do it
again if I was sure I wouldn't get hurt."
1997 DARWIN AWARD RUNNERS-UP
 
In France, Jacques LeFevrier left nothing to
chance when he decided to commit suicide. He stood
at the top of a tall cliff and tied a noose around
his neck. He tied the other end of the rope to a
large rock. He drank some poison and set fire to
his clothes. He even tried to shoot himself at the
last moment. He jumped and fired the pistol. The
bullet missed him completely and cut through the
rope above him. Free of the threat of hanging, he
plunged into the sea. The sudden dunking
extinguished the flames and made him vomit the
poison. He was dragged out of the water by a kind
fisherman and was taken to hospital, where he died
of hypothermia.

TACOMA, WA - Kerry Bingham had been drinking with
several friends when one of them said they knew a
person who had bungee-jumped from the Middle of
the Tacoma Narrows Bridge. The conversation grew
more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the
walkway of the bridge at 4:30 a.m. Upon arrival at
the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no
one had brought bungee rope. Bingham, who had
continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out
that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. One end
of the cable was secured around Bingham's leg and
the other end was tied to the bridge. His fall
lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and
pulled his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously
survived his fall into the frigid waters of the
Tacoma Narrows and Puget Sound and was rescued by
two nearby fishermen. "All I can say," said
Bingham, "Is that God was watching out for me on
that night. There's just no other explanation for
it." Bingham's severed foot was never located.

RENTON, Washington, USA -- On February 3, 1990, a
Renton, Washington man tried to commit a robbery.
This was probably his first attempt, as suggested
by the fact that he had no previous record of
violent crime, and by his terminally stupid
choices as listed below:
1. The target was H&J Leather & Firearms, a gun
shop;

2. The shop was full of customers, in a state
where a substantial portion of the adult
population is licensed to carry concealed handguns
in public places;

3. To enter the shop, he had to step around a
marked Police patrol car parked at the front door;

4. An officer in uniform was standing next to the
counter, having coffee before reporting to duty.
Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber
announced a holdup and fired a few wild shots. The
officer and a clerk promptly returned fire,
removing him from the gene pool. Several other
customers also drew their guns, but didn't fire.
No one else was hurt.

MOSCOW, Russia -- A drunk security man asked a
colleague at the Moscow bank they were guarding to
stab his bullet-proof vest to see if it would
protected him against a knife attack. It didn't,
and the 25-year-old guard died of a heart wound.
(It's good to see the Russians getting into the
spirit of the Darwin Awards.)

2) Earlier this year, the dazed crew of a Japanese
trawler were plucked of the Sea of Japan clinging
to the wreckage of their sunken ship. Their
rescue, however, was followed by immediate
imprisonment once authorities questioned the
sailors on their ship's loss. To a man they
claimed that a cow, falling out of a clear blue
sky, had struck the trawler amidships, shattering
its hull and sinking the vessel within minutes.
They remained in prison for several weeks, until
the Russian Air Force reluctantly informed
Japanese authorities that the crew of one of its
cargo planes had apparently stolen a cow wandering
at the edge of a Siberian airfield, forced the cow
into the plane's hold and hastily taken off for
home. Unprepared for live cargo, the Russian crew
was ill-equipped to manage a now rampaging cow
within its hold. To save the aircraft and
themselves, they shoved the animal out of the
cargo hold as they crossed the Sea of Japan at an
altitude of 30,000 feet.


Some "Real" Country-Western Songs...
The Best of the Worst Country-Western Song Titles (hey folks...these are *real*)


GREAT BUMPER STICKERS...

The Pharmacist...
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.

The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks
which the young man wants. "Well", he said, "I've been seeing this girl for
a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's
THE night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out.
Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the
12 pack". The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents.
He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree.
He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.

The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you
were such a religious person".

He leans over to her and says, "You never told
me that your father is a pharmacist".

How embarrassing!!!



Top 10 Signs You're Addicted to the Internet...

10. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
9. You get a tattoo that reads "This body best viewed with Netscape Navigator 1.1 or higher."
8. You name your children Eudora, Mozilla and Dotcom.
7. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
6. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap...and your child in the overhead compartment.
5. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.
4. You laugh at people with 2400-baud modems.
3. You start using smileys in your snail mail.
2. The last girl you picked up was a JPEG.
1. Your hard drive crashes. You haven't logged in for two hours. You start to twitch.
You pick up the phone and manually dial your ISP's access number.
You try to hum to communicate with the modem. You succeed...


Random Trivia...
If you toss a penny 10000 times, it will not be heads 5000 times, but more like 4950. The heads picture weighs more, so it ends up on the bottom.
The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.
The housefly hums in the middle octave, key of F.
The longest word in the English language, according to the Oxford English Dictionary, is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis. The only other word with the same amount of letters is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconioses, its plural.
Los Angeles's full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula."
Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.
The band Duran Duran got their name from an astronaut in the 1968 Jane 
Fonda movie "Barbarella.
Cleo and Caesar were the early stage names of Cher and Sonny Bono.
Ben and Jerry's send the waste from making ice cream to local pig farmers to use as feed. Pigs love the stuff, except for one flavor: Mint Oreo.
The company providing the liability insurance for the Republican National Convention in San Diego is the same firm that insured the maiden voyage of the RMS Titanic.
Dr. Samuel A. Mudd was the physician who set the leg of Lincoln's assassin John Wilkes Booth...and whose shame created the expression for ignominy, "His name is Mudd."
The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin during World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.
A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.
The Ramses brand condom is named after the great pharaoh Ramses II who fathered over 160 children.
If NASA sent birds into space they would soon die, they need gravity to swallow.
A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "Its A Wonderful Life"
It was discovered on a space mission that a frog can throw up. The frog throws up it's stomach first, so the stomach is dangling out of it's mouth. Then the frog uses it's forearms to dig out all of the stomach's contents and then swallows the stomach back down again.
White Out was invented by the mother of Mike Nesmith (Formerly of the Monkees)
Urban myth #425: If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
Playing cards were issued to British pilots in WWII. If captured, they could be soaked in water and unfolded to reveal a map for escape.
The "L.L." in L.L. Bean stands for Leon Leonwood.
Ivory bar soap floating was a mistake. They had been overmixing the soap formula causing excess air bubbles that made it float. Customers wrote and told how much they loved that it floated, and it has floated ever since.
Studies show that if a cat falls off the seventh floor of a building it has about thirty percent less chance of surviving than a cat that falls off the twentieth floor. It supposedly takes about eight floors for the cat to realize what is occurring, relax and correct itself.
The saying "it's so cold out there it could freeze the balls off a brass monkey" came from when they had old cannons like ones used in the Civil War. The cannonballs were stacked in a pyramid formation, called a brass monkey. When it got extremely cold outside they would crackand break off...Thus the saying.
Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks otherwise it will digest itself.
The Sanskrit word for "war" means "desire for more cows."
The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.
101 Dalmatians and Peter Pan (Wendy) are the only two Disney cartoon features with both parents that are present and don't die throughout the movie.
'Stewardesses' is the longest word that can be typed, with only the left hand
The Baby Ruth candy bar was actually named after Grover Cleveland's baby daughter, Ruth.
A whale's penis is called a dork.
To escape the grip of a crocodile's jaws, push your thumbs into its eyeballs -- it will let you go instantly.
A group of unicorns is called a blessing. 
Twelve or more cows are known as a "flink." 
A group of frogs is called an army. 
A group of rhinos is called a crash. 
A group of kangaroos is called a mob. 
A group of whales is called a pod. 
A group of geese is called a gaggle. 
A group of ravens is called a murder. 
A group of officers is called a mess. 
A group of larks is called an exaltation. 
A group of owls is called a parliament.
Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.
The phrase "sleep tight" derives from the fact that early mattresses were filled with straw and held up with rope stretched across the bedframe. A tight sleep was a comfortable sleep.
"Three dog night" (attributed to Australian Aborigines) came about because on especially cold nights these nomadic people needed three dogs (dingos, actually) to keep from freezing.


College Degrees...

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Marketing degree asks, "How many sucker's can I sell this to?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?



Noted Dough Boy Dies...

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman, Pop N. Fresh, died Wednesday of a severe yeast
infection He was 71. He was buried Friday in one of the biggest funerals
in years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the
California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies
The graveside was piled high with flours, as longtime friend Aunt Jemima
delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew he was
kneaded".
Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with
turnovers. He was not considered a smart cookie, and wasted much of his
dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll
model to millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They had two
children, and one in the oven.....



The Cat Scan...

A lady awoke one morning and discovered her dog was not
moving. She called her vet who asked her to bring the dog in.
After a brief examination, the vet pronounced the dog dead.
"Are you sure?", the distraught woman asked. "He was a great
family pet. Isn't there anything else you can do?"

The vet paused for a moment and said, "There is one more
thing we can do." He left the room for a moment and came back
carrying a large cage with a cat in it. The vet opened the cage
door and the cat walked over to the dog. The cat sniffed the
dog from head to toe and walked back to the cage.

"Well, that confirms it." the vet announced. "Your dog is dead."

Satisfied that the vet had done everything he possibly could, the woman sighed,
"How much do I owe you?"
"That will be $330.00" the vet replied.
"I don't believe it!!!", screamed the woman. "What did you do that cost $330.00 ????"
"Well", the vet replied, "it's $30.00 for the office visit and $300.00 for the cat scan."



Actual Newspaper Headlines...

Include your Children when Baking Cookies

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

Farmer Bill Dies in House

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

Stud Tires Out

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again

British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms

Eye Drops off Shelf

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax

Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

Stolen Painting Found by Tree

Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies

Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter

Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One

Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in '84

War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

Deer Kill 17,000

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire

British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply

Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing

Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing

Air Head Fired

Steals Clock, Faces Time

Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff

Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni

Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctor



The Dentist and the Trapper...

An old trapper came out of the woods and went to see the dentist,
to have a lot of work done on his teeth, He needed many fillings and
several extractions, besides a good cleaning.
The dentist offered to give him novocaine, but the trapper adamantly refused.
He said he had experienced terrible pain twice in his life and it had hardened
him to pain. So the dentist went to work. He drilled, he filled, he pulled, and
he polished, working up a good sweat with all his effort, but the trapper never
flinched or moved.
When he was all finished the dentist reached into an upper cabinet, pulled out
a bottle of whiskey and two glasses, poured two generous drinks and offered one
to the trapper.
The dentist said, "What happened to you to harden you so much to pain?"
The trapper replied, "Well, I was out in the woods one day and nature called.
So I dropped my drawers and had the misfortune to squat right over a set trap.
Well I dropped my load, it hit the trip pan and that trap jumped right up and
grabbed me by my nuts!"
"Oh my God!", said the dentist, "That must have hurt terribly!"
The trapper replied, "Not as bad...as when I got to the end of the trap's chain!"



Modern Philosophies...

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

Two wrongs are only the beginning

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

(The corrolary is: You never learn to pray until your kids learn to drive!)

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

Work is accomplished by those employees who have not reached their level of incompetence.



The Image of Rank...

General:
Leaps over tall buildings in a single bound, is more powerful than a locomotive,
is faster than a speeding bullet, walks on water, and gives policy to God.

Colonel:
Leaps over short buildings in a single bound, is more powerful than a switch engine,
is just as fast as a speeding bullet, walks on water if sea is calm, and talks to God.

Lieutenant Colonel:
Leaps over short buildings with a running start and a favorable wind, is almost as
powerful as a switch engine, is as fast as a speeding b-b, walks on water in an indoor pool,
and talks to God if special request is approved.

Major:
Barely clears quonset huts, loses tug-of-war with locomotives, can fire a speeding bullet,
swims well, and is occassionally addressed by God.

Captain:
Makes high marks when trying to leap buildings, is run over by locomotives,
can someimes handle a weapon without inflicting self-injury, can doggie-paddle,
and talks to animals.

First Lieutenant:
Runs into buildings, recognizes locomotives two out of three times, is not issued
ammunition, can stay afloat if properly instructed, and talks to water.

Second Lieutenant:
Falls over doorsills when trying to enter buildings, says "look at the choo-choo,"
wets himself with a water pistol, and mumbles to himself.

An NCO:
Lifts building and then walks under them, kicks locomotives off the track,
catches speeding bullets in his teeth, and chews them, and freezes water in
a speeding glance. HE IS GOD.



"Actual" Insurance Claims...

The following, are actual statements found on insurance forms, of car drivers
who attempted to summarize the details of an acdcident, in the fewest possible words.
The instances of faulty writing, serve to confirm that even incompetent writing, can
be highly entertaining...


A Final Visit From Saint Nick...

'Twas the night before Christmas and one thing was clear--
that old Yuletide spirit no longer was here
inflation was rising; the crime rate was tripling;
the fuel bills were up, and our mortgage was crippling;

I opened a beer as I watched TV,
where Donny sang "O Holy Night" to Marie;
the kids were in bed, getting sleep like they should;
or else they were stoned, which was almost as good.

While Ma with her ball-point was making a fuss
'bout folks we'd send cards to who'd sent none to us;
"Those ingrates," she thundered, and pounded her fist;
"Next year you can bet they'll be crossed off our list!"

When out in the yard came a deafening blare;
'twas our burgler alarm, and I hollered, "Who's there?"
I turned on the searchlight, which lit up the night,
and, armed with my handgun, beheld a strange sight.

Some red-suited clown with a white beard immense
was caught in our eight foot electrified fence;
he called out, "I'm Santa! I bring you no malice!"
Said I, "if you're Santa, I'm Telly Savalas!"

But, lo, as his pressence grew clear to me,
I saw in the glare that it just might be he!
called off our doberman clawing his sleigh
and, frisking him twice, said, "I think he's ok."

I led him inside where he slumped in a chair,
and he poured out the following tale of dispair;
"On Christmas eves past I was jolly and chuckling,
but now 'neath the pressures, I fear I am buckling."

"You'll note I've arrived with no reindeer this year,
and without them, my sleigh is much harder to steer;
although I would like to continue to use them,
the wildlife officials believe I abuse them."

"To add to my problem, Ralph Nader dropped by
and told me my sleigh was unsafe in the sky;
I now must wear seatbelts, despite my objections,
and bring in the sleigh twice a year for inspections."

"Last April my workers came forth with demands,
and I soon had a general strike on my hands;
I couldn't afford to pay unionized elves,
so the missus and I did the work ourselves."

"And then, later on, came additional trouble--
an avalanche left my fine workshop in rubble;
my Allstate insurance was worthless, because
they had shrewdly slipped in a 'no avalanche' clause."

"And after that came an I.R.S audit;
the government claimed I was out to defraud it;
they finally nailed me for 65 grand,
which I paid through the sale of my house and my land."

"And yet I persist, though it gives me a scare
flying blind through the blanket of smog in the air;
not to mention the hunters who fill me with dread,
taking shots at my sleigh as I pass overhead."

"My torn-up red suit, and these bruises and swellings,
I got fighting muggers in multiple dwellings.
And if you should ask why I'm glowing tonight,
it's from flying too close to a nuclear site."

He rose from his chair and he heaved a great sigh,
and I couldn't help notice a tear in his eye;
"I've tried," he declared, "to reverse each defeat,
but I fear that today I've become obsolete."

He slumped out the door and returned to his sleigh,
and these last words he spoke as he went on his way;
"no longer can I do the job that's required;
if anyone asks, just say, 'Santa's retired!'".



The "Real" 12 Days of Christmas...

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 14, 1994

Dearest John:

I went to the door today and the postman delivered a
partridge in a pear tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift.
I couldn't have been more surprised.

With deepest love and devotion,

Agnes

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 15, 1994

Dearest John:

Today the postman brought your very sweet gift.  Just imagine
two turtle doves.  I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful
gift.  They are just adorable.

All my love,

Agnes

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 16, 1994

Dearest John:

Oh!  Aren't you the extravagant one.  Now I really must
protest.  I don't deserve such generosity, three French hens.
They are just darling but I must insist, you've been too
kind.

Love,

Agnes

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 17, 1994

Dear John,

Today the postman delivered 4 calling birds.  Now really,
they are beautiful but don't you think enough is enough.
You're being too romantic.

Affectionately,

Agnes

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 18, 1994

Dearest John:

What a surprise.  Today the postman delivered 5 golden rings;
one for every finger.  You're just impossible, but I love it.
Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on
my nerves.

All my love,

Anges

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 19, 1994

Dear John:

When I opened the door there were actually 6 geese a-laying
on my front steps.  So, you're back to the birds again, huh?
Those geese are huge.  Where will I ever keep them?  The
neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the
racket. Please stop.

Cordially,

Agnes

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 20, 1994

John:

What's with you and those fucking birds?  7 swans a-swimming.
What kind of God damned joke is this?  There's bird shit all
over the house, and they never stop with the racket.  I can't
sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck.  It's not funny.  So
stop with those fucking birds.

Sincerely,

Agnes

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 21, 1994

O.K. Buster:

I think I prefer the birds.  What the hell am I going to do
with 8 maids a-milking?  It's not enough with all those birds
and 8 maids a-milking, but they had to bring their God damned
cows.  There is shit all over the lawn and I can't move in my
own house.  Just lay off me, smart ass.

Agnes

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 22, 1994

Hey!  Shithead,

What are you?  Some kind of sadist?  Now there's 9 pipers
playing.  And Christ do they play.  They've never stopped
chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning.
They cows are getting upset, and they're stepping all over
those screeching birds.  What am I going to do?  The
neighbors have started a petition to evict me.

You'll get yours,

Agnes

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 23, 1994

You Rotten Prick,

Now there's 10 ladies dancing.  I don't know why I call those
sluts ladies.  They've been balling those pipers all night
long.  Now the cows can't sleep and they've got the diarrhea.
My living room is a river of shit.  The Commissioner of
Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why this building
shouldn't be condemned. I'm sicking the police on you.

One who means it!

Agnes

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 24, 1994

Listen!  Fuckhead,

What's with the 11 lords a-leaping on those maids and ladies.
Some of those broads will never walk again.  Those pipers ran
through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the
cows.  All 23 of the birds are dead.  They've been trampled
to death in the orgy.  I hope you're satisfied, you rotten,
vicious swine.

Your sworn enemy,

Agnes

Law Offices
Badger, Bender and Cahole
Chicago, Illinois
December 25, 1994

Dear Sir:

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of 12 fiddlers
fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client,
Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was
total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If
you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale
Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on
sight. With this letter please find attached warrant for you
arrest.

Cordially,

Badger, Bender and Cajole



Yogi Berra strikes again...

Here are excerpts from Yogi Berra's commencement speech at Montclair University's Class of '96

"I am .....happy to speak my words at the university graduation.A lot of people have been quoting me
since I came to play for the Yankees in 1946. But, as I once said, I really didn't say everything I said.
So now it's my turn. I want to give some of my favorite advice to the graduates":



Excuses For Missing Work...

If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work.
The voices told me to clean all the guns today.

When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac.
I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.

I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday
and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, mreliving Sunday
(right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity
of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping
my dog on the snout with a rolled mup Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.

My stigmata's acting up.

I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for
not showing up for work. OK?

I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet...

I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.

Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and,
hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you?
No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.

I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing
my employee records may now contain false information.

The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint, so
I won't bite things, when I'm startled.

The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

I prefer to remain an enigma.

My stepmother has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin
to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.

I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely
surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.

I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.

I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.

I refuse to travel to my job in the District until there is a commuter tax.
I insist on paying my fair share.

I've used up all my sick days...so I'm calling in dead!



The Definition Of Politics...

Son: Dad, I have a special report for school. Can
I ask you a question?

Dad: Sure son, what's the question?

Son: What is politics?

Dad: Well son, let's take our home for example. I
am the wage earner, so let's call me the
management. Your mother is the administrator of
the money, so let's call her the government. We
take care of you and your needs, so let's call you
the people. We'll call the maid the working class
and your baby brother the future. Understand?

Son: I'm not really sure dad, I'll have to think
about it. That night, the boy is awakened by his
baby brother's crying, so he went to see what was
wrong. Discovering that the baby had a heavily
soiled nappy, the boy went to his parent's room
and found his mother fast asleep. He than went to
the maid's room, where, peeking through the
keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid.
The boy's knocking went totally unheard. The boy
went back to his room and went to sleep.

The next morning...

Son: Dad, I think I understand politics.

Dad: That's great son, explain it to me in your
own words.

Son: While the management is screwing the working
class, the government is fast asleep, the people
are being completely ignored and the future is
full of crap.


Actual Air Force Maintenance complaints... Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.
Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement." 
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire." 
Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough." 
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft." 
Problem: "The autopilot doesn't." 
Solution: Signed off: "IT DOES NOW." 
Problem: "Something loose in cockpit." 
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit." 
Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear." 
Solution: "Evidence removed." 
Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud." 
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level." 
Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield." 
Solution: "Live bugs on order." 
Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent." 
Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground." 
Problem: "IFF inoperative." 
Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode." 
Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick." 
Solution: "That's what they're there for." Problem: "Number three engine missing." Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search." 


Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist ( true story)

Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to
launch dead chickens at the windshields of
airliners, military jets and the space shuttle,
all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to
simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with
airborne fowl to test the strength of the
windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were
eager to test it on the windshields of their new
high speed trains.

Arrangements were made,and a gun was sent to the
British engineers. When the gun was fired, the
engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out
of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof
shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through
the control console, snapped the engineer's
backrest in two and embedded itself in the back
wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.

The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous
results of the experiment, along with the designs
of the windshield and begged the US scientists for
suggestions. NASA responded with a one-line memo:

"Thaw the Chicken"


That's a lotta bull...

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.

First Bull: "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain't givin' him any of mine."

Second Bull: "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight 'im till I run him off or kill 'im, but I'M KEEPIN' ALL MY COWS."

Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to "take care of." I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows."

They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.

First Bull: "Ahem... You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend."

Second Bull: "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."

They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting.

First Bull: "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."

Third Bull: "He can have ALL my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull!" This joke was contributed by: Vernon Johnson <vljohnso@seidata.com>


100 Top Jokes site - check out this site for more humor. You can even "rate the humor".
Web Comics - check it out!
The Capitol Steps - political satire at it's best!
Comedy Central - The Comedy Channel's website!
Comedyzine - Where comedy knows no bounds!
Rodney Dangerfield's website - need I say any more!

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